When You Tell Yourself You’re Not Interested in Sex

I showed my husband the title of this new post and his response was “What? Why would you ever tell yourself that? God created us to want sex.” But, I’m sure you’ve been there, Sis. I have, too. Because we all have human brains that try to convince us of things that are just not true. There’s the renewed part of our mind that knows that God created sex FOR us, but there’s also a part of our brain and an enemy who enjoys telling lies that cause division and separation.

The truth is there are many times when wives are going through things in life that we think make this kind of thinking justifiable. Things like insecurity/not accepting our body, pregnancy/postpartum, PMS, pain/illness/chronic sickness, changes in hormones, perimenopause/menopause, tiredness, feeling disconnected, feeling misunderstood, unsatisfied, depressed, feeling unloved, feeling angry, disappointed, children in the house and the list goes on.

I remember when my kids were little and we had their first discussion about how babies are made. I wanted them to hear the correct definition from me before the lies presented themselves. It was very basic about anatomy and how God created us with the ability to make a baby. At the end, our daughter asked, “So, you had to do that TWO times to make us?” For a second I thought about just answering “Yes” and moving on. But I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to add that as a married couple you should try to do that as much as you can because it keeps your hearts close and it is God’s way of making your marriage strong. 

I’ve often thought of that conversation over the years when I found myself in a “sexual slump” so to speak and have asked myself if I am doing my part to keep our marriage strong and our hearts close.

I’ve learned that aside from physical issues, which can greatly hinder this important aspect of marriage, the rest of these are feelings that are created by our thoughts. And because our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings create our actions, these thoughts will not be producing any “action”.

What can we do to stop the sexless cycle:

  1. Go to God! Pray and ask for wisdom (James 1:5). If you are dealing with physical symptoms, believe for wisdom to possibly find a doctor, supplements, diet changes, habit changes, better sleep patterns, exercises, etc…and also feed on scriptures that reveal how Jesus not only took our sin on the cross but our sicknesses as well and stand on that truth for healing power to be at work (Is.53:4-5, Rom.8:11, Matt.8:17).
  2. Talk to your husband! Silence is the enemy’s greatest way to breed discontent between you, because when you are not talking about EVERYTHING it leaves the door open to each of you making your own assumptions about exactly why you are not having sex (and those assumptions are NEVER true!). Your husband is supposed to be your best friend, if you can’t tell him what’s going on, who can you tell? Even if sex is not possible for a time, letting them know how much you love and desire them and are believing together to work through whatever needs to change to create a strong bond again will make all the difference. Then you are both fighting FOR each other and not AGAINST each other! 
  3. Commit to pray together about this important part of your marriage! God made it for you to enjoy and keep you close, it’s worth your prayers and that’s exactly how we invite Him to come in with His power to create real transformation. Write out and declare scriptures that talk of God’s plan for marriage and sex. (1 Cor. 7:3-5, Song of Solomon 5:16,7:10, & 8:7, Prov. 31:12, 5:18,19).
  4. Commit to renewing YOUR mind! It’s not our job, nor can we renew anyone’s mind but our own. Take full responsibility for your own feelings and understand that the things we are feeling about our spouse are created by our thoughts about them! If we want to feel more sexual feelings for our husband, then we are going to have to have more sexual thoughts about them. Men are often so different when it comes to these thoughts. It seems more challenging for women to manage all the different thoughts we have in a day and prioritize thinking about sex so that our brain will cause our bodies to line up with those desires. But our husbands are so worth it! Ask the Lord to help you become more aware of the thoughts in your brain and how to cast down and take captive the ones that are not promoting feelings of unity.
  5. Make time to be intimate with each other! I phrased it this way because if you are in a season that for some reason intercourse itself is not possible, it’s vital to create a time and space where you can at least be together and “do what you can” 😉 If this part of your marriage is going to take its rightful priority back, it’s going to take some intentional planning. The goal is to each make the other feel loved, connected, and desired.
  6. Make investments in yourself and each other! Just like in the beginning days when you invested in each other with phone calls, notes, flirty whispers, and secret signals you must continue to let your spouse know that they are your everything and that they are the one you desire! After all, they are the only person on earth that we get to have this special connection with. Be mindful that we are designed to be ever-learning and growing and there’s nothing more attractive than someone who is growing into and becoming everything God destined them to be. So, keep learning new things and stretching yourself! Also, do what it takes to feel more confident whether it means working out, eating well, skin-care, beauty, buying that dress or shoes that make you feel sexy, because when you feel more confident it will show up in your actions and your hubby will definitely benefit from your efforts 😉 

❤ Some of these things still challenge me to be vulnerable to write about, but if it causes even one wife to have a mindset shift about her marriage then it’s so worth it to me! ~Be Blessed, Jenny

P.S. If you’re in need of a faith mindset coach for your marriage or any area of your life where you’re feeling a little stuck, hit the Coach With Me tab and let’s chat about how I can help.

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