When my husband confessed he had been thinking of divorce, the first thing that flashed before me was a memory of being a little girl, standing in my parent’s bedroom, while my Dad told me he was moving out and that he didn’t love my mom anymore. I honestly hadn’t thought of that day in decades, and had forgiven my Dad long, long ago for his actions of separating from my mom (and us kids) but isn’t it incredible how the trauma of that experience was still in the recesses of my brain. I immediately felt like that confused little girl, who sobbed uncontrollably, desperately wanting to know, “But, why?!” I was just as confused by the words coming out of my husband’s mouth. The room began to spin and my stomach lurched within, as my brain was desperately scrambling with the questions, “Who is this man sitting next to me telling me his deepest thoughts and feelings? What happened to the man I married, my partner who had vowed to commit his entire life to me? What is happening to this beautiful life we have created over the last 25 + years together?” And out of my mouth came the very same question from almost 40 years earlier, “But why?”
I knew he had been going through some challenges and that there were definitely things in recent years that we hadn’t seen eye-to-eye on, but that we didn’t know how to come to an agreement. And so, constantly coming to an impasse and not having the verbal skills to breach the gap, I would shut down and retreat into the thought pattern of, “I’ll just have to accept this because I don’t know how to change and he won’t change either. This is just how it is and we’ll have to make the most of it.” But I had NEVER thought he would ever want to leave me! Deep down I know I was scared that if something didn’t change I might end up alone. But it was definitely not something that I had desired. Hearing that he desired this option, crushed me. In those early days, I could not even attempt to focus on how he must be feeling to have come to this conclusion in his mind. I was selfishly (and humanly) focused on my own deep confusion, sadness, and overwhelming grief.
Just because we are now grown adults, that little person we once were still exists within us. But now we are an older and wiser version of ourselves and we can take care of that little person within as we heal from any past or current trauma. Although we had committed to couples therapy and slowly began to see that having doubts in marriage is normal, (because this journey that began in our teenage years and over our intended goal of 60+ years together, of course, we will have the opportunity to face obstacles that would cause us to have doubts), I needed something more. I needed some additional support that was just for me, and I gave myself the best self-care gift ever and I hired a Christian Life Coach. I learned that the only person I could change was myself. And in committing to change MY THOUGHTS, it began to change MY FEELINGS and therefore MY ACTIONS toward my husband. I’m sure he’s changed some, too, but I’m honestly not focused on him changing anymore. My actions have allowed him to be exactly who he is and thus changed EVERYTHING for us! Now years later we are living what I consider to be the most CONNECTED we have ever been and are dreaming of a WONDERFUL FUTURE of decades filled with a life that brings each of us GREAT JOY!
If you find yourself in a crisis or a painful place today in one of your relationships, please reach out! I have been where you are and I’m on the other side now and I’m extending my hand to help you navigate the bridge to a life of FREEDOM & JOY! Give YOURSELF the ultimate self-care gift of a COACH! A one-time investment will change how you are able to FEEL for DECADES to come! Hit the COACH WITH ME link and let’s set up a time to chat. You won’t regret it! ~Be Blessed, Jenny
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~JENNY RIEFLIN MINISTRIES~ 